Brothers speak out on sex and dating - Brief Article

THE dating scene isn't what it used to be, and Brothers--and Sisters--know it. For one thing, women are more assertive and confident. A lot of them make more money and have more education than their man. And when it comes to love and sex, some act the same way dudes used to act. So what's a Brother to do?

First, experts say, young Brothers have got to step up and pay more attention to who they are and what they're about if they hope to succeed in the new dating world of 2002. Brothers in general know that women appreciate someone who can match their drive. But Brothers must remember that Sisters also want a man who will respect them, one who can be masculine one moment and chivalrous the next. Most of all, Sisters want someone who will listen to them. Chivalry isn't dead, but it is on life support.

"Women, as a whole, are better off than we are economically, educationally, spiritually, and they experience new places and things more than we do," says Michael Baisden, author of Never Satisfied: How & Why Men Cheat and The Maintenance Men: It's Midnight, Do You Know Where Your Woman Is? "The only way for a man to matter and to be effective in a relationship is to challenge her. And he cannot do that until he has challenged himself and overcome obstacles. If a man can't challenge a woman, what does a woman need him for?"

While many Brothers have stepped up, Baisden says that some men are still lacking in three areas: 1) goals 2)responsibility and 3) integrity. "We have grown men in their 40s and even 50s who are habitual liars when it comes to relationships "Baisden says. It is impossible to grow without having the qualities of honesty, dependability and consistency. If we were honest with ourselves, most men would admit that they are at least 10 years behind where they should be."

There are Brothers out there who do have it together, who know what they have to offer and the type of women they want to meet. One Brother, 26-year-old Greg Marchand, a senior consultant at Deloitte Consulting in Washington, D.C., believes the biggest hurdle for young Black men is meeting women on the same wavelength as they are. "The biggest complaint around my peers is, `Oh, there's not much choice,' and `I don't meet a lot of women who are my type,'" Marchand says. "Well, figure out what your type is and go find those [women] to hang out with."

In a time where "mackin'" a woman down has replaced the art of good conversation, Baisden says men must learn to pay attention and communicate with women. DeMarquis Hayes, 24, a doctoral student in school psychology at Tulane University in New Orleans, says that when he started dating his girlfriend, who is studying for her doctorate at Xavier University's School of Pharmacy, it wasn't lavishness or flash that turned their mutual attraction into a fruitful relationship. Instead, they connected with each other through the trials and tribulations of graduate school, listening and supporting each other along the way. "As far as studying and not complaining about lack of going out or going on dates because we're doing the same thing, it isn't that difficult," he says.

Women and men also differ on their thoughts about intimacy, with each side arguing over whether dating should lead to the bedroom. While Baisden says men are less patient sexually, Jerold M. Bryant, author of Single Man Screaming, says women tend to act like guys nowadays and know the differences between casual dating and serious relationships. Not all women believe intimacy leads to a long-term situation, he says.

"The best thing about [the new scene] is that there is honesty at the beginning," Bryant says. That can make the relationship better. You can be honest with a girl and not have to worry about it. Back in the old days, we were more romantic, but with everything being so forward, we get exposed [earlier] to the adult game."

Whether you are just dating or involved with someone romantically, both sides need to be on the same page and straightforward about what they want. It goes back to what Michael Baisden says about men needing to show integrity. Though casual dating has been accepted in the Black community, men must be honest about their intentions.

"The funny thing is that 10, 15 years ago, if you were seen with someone, that was your girlfriend," Bryant says. "Now, dating has been [increasingly accepted] by the Black community. And if you are mature with your decisions, then I think that relationships between men and women, at all stages, will actually be better."

Basically, relationship experts say young Black men and women want the same thing. They want someone whose company they enjoy, someone who is smart, goal-oriented with a good personality. And Brothers must remember that when they meet an attractive Sister, they should treat her with the same respect, dignity and attention they wish to receive.

"There's a real breakdown in communication between Black women and Black men about what each other wants and what each other needs," Marchand says. "They need to look internally first to find out what they need and then figure out what's the best way to meet the type of women he'd be interested in. Because [men are] doing the same thing women are doing, looking for someone we want to date."